Gender Affirming Care

Yesterday I was excited for my testosterone appointment. This was a telehealth appointment, meaning I’d be talking to a doctor over the phone. I made the appointment to get information - the risks, how to get it, etc. Earlier I had decided to work in an office and to take the call there. I was pleased when I spotted a private phone booth. So I went inside, plopped down my phone on the table and opened my laptop. I started a new document and began typing questions as I waited for the phone to ring. I was ready.

After a few minutes I look over at the phone, stressed. Why hadn’t I put in more time and energy to prepare for this? “I’m not ready”, my ego exclaims. Self sabotage. I ignore it. I continue to wait. Another minute goes by with no ring. I begin to think again, think that maybe my phone’s wifi calling isn’t enabled. Oh shit! I’m freaking out. Maybe they had tried calling but it wasn’t going through. Now I feel dumb. I practically drop the phone as I grab the phone to check the settings. Ah, relief. The wifi calling was enabled. Sweet, sweet, short-lived relief.

Now I sit. Now I think. Now I worry. I worry that they just won’t call. Another minute passes. The worry is turning into sadness. How can they do this to people? How can they simply not care? Don’t they realize how hard this is? Now I feel angry.

I recognize I’ve come far in my gender journey, to my awareness of it, to healing from it, to moving forward with this. That’s my whole life. It’s taken my whole life to get here. To this phone call. And still, the phone hasn’t rung.

The testosterone part of my journey is close but it doesn’t feel so close. My anxiety mind takes over. This is just a conversation with a doctor. Next I have to find a trans-competent doctor in Peru and make another appointment for another conversation but this time in Spanish.

My anxiety continues, it tells me then there’s the next step of figuring out where to obtain testosterone. I split my time between Peru, the U.S. and just traveling in general. Is testosterone the same everywhere? Are the formulas or compounds different? Will this be a barrier? Now I feel overwhelmed. I wish Costco sold testosterone. I wish I could pick it up at any pharmacy in the world like Vick’s VapoRub.

All these feelings - overwhelmed, anxious, anger, sad leave me paralyzed in numbness for the rest of the day. Just trying to keep it together as the phone never rang.

I managed to get the appointment rescheduled for today. Now I’m here again, waiting for the phone to ring. I hope this time they call. So I can move forward.

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